


Say pal, where's my body?

by DapperDingus



Category: Don't Starve (Video Game), Rick and Morty
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 05:53:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12125958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DapperDingus/pseuds/DapperDingus
Summary: Maxwell gets a not so pleasant visit from an old friend.





	Say pal, where's my body?

**Author's Note:**

> I started this when I was sick cause the thought amused me so. Boy howdy how did it get so long. I thought there would be more fluff than this but oh well.

“Hey hey! Maxwell pal, how’re you doing!?”

“Didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

“Yeah, wanted to see what’s up, but hey! You’re out! That’s some progress there.”

“Not really. I was hoping for death.”

“Ahem, erm This is Morty, my grandson, Morty this is Maxwell. He –urp- used to be a freakin’ god here.”

“Charming. A pleasure to meet you Morty, I’m sure Rick is a handful.” He outstretched his hand.

Morty looked up at him wide eyed, as he shook his hand, “Hah, ye-yeah he is.”

Rick grunted ,“You get those superbowl winners I asked for?”

“Ugh, I watched that drivel up to 2077.”

“Who who you got for 2018?”

“Oh, so it worked out for you last time?”

“No, but I’m gonna find the reality where it does!”

“Alright I can tell you, but what do I get in return?”

“Uhhh, I aint letting you out of your mess pal.”

“You made that perfectly clear last time, No I just want some simple comfort. Er.. How about some cigars?"

“Uhh, I can get cigarettes easy.”

“No, no never mind you wouldn’t be able to get the ones I like. How about a comb? No damnit, pickles!”

“Urp. Pickles it is.”

He lazily pulled out his portal gun fired it into a tree and shooed at Morty.

“Morty, go get the pickles I-I think they’re in the cabinet above the fridge.”

“I want a fresh whole jar.” He crossed his arms.

“No one has touched these damn pickles. I don’t know how we even got them. Besides you aren’t in much of a position to be picky. Picky pickle prick.

Maxwell laughed and smiled,”Hah! Fine fine.”

Morty disappeared into the portal with a slight blip of it’s surface.

“Hey uhh, about that death thing back there. Ya just gotta- just gotta make the best of what you have you know?”

“I’m fine Rick. “

“Okay ok, just I see a lotta good people ta-ta-take themselves out and and I don’t think it’s really necessary as I enjoyed their company. I enjoyed your company Max, how how however long ago that was.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Always.”

Morty re-appeared with a large yellow and black labeled pickle jar. He dusted off the lid as the portal closed behind him. “Uhhm,  here’s your pickles.”

Maxwell gently took the jar from him. “Thank you.”

Rick stretched,“So uh, you got anywhere we can sit and catch up? Or do those little pawns of yours kill you on sight?”

Maxwell raised a brow,“ You want to? Certainly. And sometimes. I’ve made amends with a few of them.”

“Sure.” Rick shrugged. Morty looked down at his feet and began to fidget.

In the distance a red vested wild haired weirdo waved at them.

“Hey- hey was-wasn’t this one your favourite?” Rick jabbed his elbow into Maxwell’s arm.

“Yes, now hush.” Maxwell waved back beckoning him over.

Morty piped up, “Ohh hey I think I recognize this guy. From some sort of indie game I think.”

“Was its success really so short lived?” Maxwell sighed.

“Oh.. I don’t know.. I really uh don’t… like indie games.”

“Jesus Christ Morty, do you know how stupid that is? That-that’s like saying you don’t like things made of plastic ddd-do you know how much shit is made from plastic Morty?!”

“Bloody hell Rick! He’s a child, no reason to be such an ass!” Maxwell took a light swipe at him.

“I’m around this stupidity all day, every daa-ay I’m sure you’d get grated by it too.”

Maxwell frowned and furrowed his brow.

Morty frowned and looked down at his feet.

Wilson slowed his approach and chirped,” Erm, Hello! New arrivals?” He paused, “Are those pickles?”

“No, I don’t think they’ll be staying very long. Wilson, this is an old friend Rick, a dipsomaniac, -“

“Ass.”

“ -and his grandson Mortimer.”

“Morty.”

“Morty, my apologies. And yes, they’ve brought me pickles.  Rick, Wilson is a scientist as well and the fellow who released me.”

“What. Why did you do that?”

“I decided to?”

“Weak.” Rick scowled.

Wilson cocked his head at Maxwell who pursed his lips.

“So uhhh, what kind of science do you do?” Rick said as he pulled out a hip flask from his lab coat and took a swig.

“ I dabble in all the disciplines of natural science. As of late I’ve been primarily experimenting with electricity.”

“He’s a gentleman scientist.” Maxwell put his hands behind his back.

“Oh yeah, fuck institutions, right? All that beaurcratic horse shit is-is just gonna fucking bring progress to a full stop.

Wilson’s eyes went wide. “Certainly doesn’t help anyone. Nor the political funding pushing for empirical evidence to suit their selfish needs!”

Rick grinned with vodka dribbling from his mouth. Wilson returned a weak smile as Maxwell placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Ah Rick, would you pardon us for a moment?”

“Uhh, yeah sure whatever.” He took another drink.

They turned their backs to him and walked a fair distance away.

“Ah, he’s vulgar isn’t he?” Maxwell mumbled.

“Hah, yeah I haven’t heard talk like that… well in a while.”

Maxwell raised a brow at him,” Hm? Ahehm.. Well I should tell you this fellow is extremely unhinged. He is capable of anything. Amazing and horrible feats with science.

“Hmm… More amazing then you were ever able to do with magic?” Wilson smiled as he bounced his eyebrows.

Maxwell raised his chin and glowered down his nose at him. After a brief pause he hissed,” Yes.”

Wilson’s teeth slipped into his smile and he took a breath as one might do when about to tell someone off.

Maxwell put a finger up to his mouth, “Later, for now just know that he is dangerous.”

“Aren’t you friends?”

“Well. Yes. Alas, I’m sure I’ve outlived my usefulness to him given my current ehhm, situation.”

“Were you only useful to him? Not really friends at all?”

“Hrmm, no.”

“Well then…”

Meanwhile Morty turned to Rick, “Um, can I go home? I have a lot of homework to catch up on and um, there doesn’t seem to be anything here you’d need me for.”

Rick groaned, looked at his watch and fiddled with it. “Yeah, yeah, sure, there are three other idiot shields here for me so.” He pulled out his portal gun and shot it at the ground.

“Ugh the floor? Really Rick?” Morty groaned as he carefully knelt down next to it.

“Yeah, would’ve taken me a little way too much effort to make a comfortable exit for you, much like the emotional support I needed from you today.”

“Wait, what?!”

Rick kicked him over headfirst into the portal and the world snapped itself back together as he went through. He took another swig of his flask.

Maxwell thumbed his chin ”… I suppose. That doesn’t change the fact that we should be cautious.”

Wilson stared beyond him, “I see what you mean.”

“Hm?” Maxwell turned around in time to see Rick kick his grandson into another dimension. “Ohh, drat we ought to go back. Everything all right Rick?”

“Yeah, Morty just had some stupid shit to do.” Rick screwed the cap back on his flask and hid it away in his coat. “So uhh we gonna hang out somewhere or you gonna stand around and play therapist with your good friend there?”

Maxwell scowled , “Are you sure you don’t want to take your hand-egg winner and lea-?”

Wilson interrupted and stepped in front of him.“Sure, certainly! Right over here, we can tuck in to some of those pickles.” He pointed to his right and started to head towards their encampment. Maxwell huffed and followed them.

Maxwell narrowed his eyes as he quickly looked at Rick who still had a dribble on his chin. Rick was silent, and raised a brow at Maxwell.

“What?” He finally muttered, as their encampment came into view. A small table for two, a tent, a cookpot, a fridge laid nestled among some empty berry bushes.

“Er…You’ve got a little something on your chin.” Maxwell tapped on his own chin.

“Eh.” Rick shrugged.

“There are only two chairs, but you two can have a seat while I find something to sit on.” Wilson scurried off into the base. Maxwell placed the pickle jar on the roughly hewn wood table with a loud thud and took a seat. Rick sat across from him.

“You you know what I just realized? There’s a biiiig fucking plot hole in dragon ball z. Ggg -goku comes back for a day right? He could’ve- he could’ve –belch- fucking instant transmissioned to the new Namekian plant got the dragon balls there and wished himself ba-aaack to life.”

“I wasn’t able to finish Dragon Ball Z. I got up to the idiocy that was Cell’s defeat. I mean Goku should have been able to teleport away instantly saving himself.”

“Yeah that was stupid.”

“But I see what you’re saying. Also, by that same logic they could have solved their problem in Dragon Ball Super-“

“Wait wait wait dragon ball Super? How the fuck did you get to Dragon Ball Super if you haven’t finished Z!?”

“I saw them both.” Maxwell shrugged.

“How how the fuck could you sit through Super? I turned that shit off and never looked back after those stupid shenanigans with pilaf and some other food named idiots.” Rick swiped at the air.

“They’re all named after food, and I rather liked that cat fellow Beerus.”

“Should have just finished Z.” Rick turned away from him and focused in Wilson who was still meandering around the modestly sized base. Rick leaned in to the table. “So uh, I can’t help but notice you got one tent here.”

Maxwell crossed his arms, sat upright and hissed, ”I don’t sleep.”

“Hey! Uhh-Wilson! Does- does Max sleep!?”

Wilson peeked over a couple of large logs he was carrying, “Erm… Yes?”

Rick laid back and gave Maxwell a wide grin,” So you aren’t a complete stone cold hardass.”

Maxwell glared as he turned red and said nothing for a moment then he quietly said, ”Unfortunately, we can’t all be heartless monsters.”

Rick’s smile faded into a tight lipped, wide eyed expression.  He stared out into nothing and grit his teeth.” “I-I need a drink. Got anything here? Oh yeah, no!” He whipped out his flask once more as Wilson approached with a rough freshly woodcut stool. He plopped down between them, took a look at Rick then a look at Maxwell and wrapped his mouth up in a small frown. As Rick nursed his flask the silence between them seemed to stretch on for ages.  Wilson, no longer content with bouncing his leg began to fidget with the pickle jar, scrutinizing its digital printed label. Rick cleared his throat, “So about those winners?”

“Ah, yes. 2018 was it?” Maxwell thought hard for a moment. “ The falcons will win.”

“Huh?” Wilson looked up from the jar.

“The winners of some obscure idiot ball game.”

“Pffft hahahah! Obscure! This shit is big and I’m gonna win big money and I’d share it with you but-”

“Oh, money! Why yes that would do me so well here. I could buy a home, some friends, and happiness.” Maxwell slowly tilted his head towards Rick giving him a searing deadpan stare.“You don’t even need that money do you Rick?” They stared at each other in silence for a long second.

“Fuck, you’re scary sometimes.” Rick grumbled as he slurped up another drink. Wilson pursed his lips and forced his attention back to the seemingly flawless printing.

“May I have a drink of that?” Maxwell unfolded his arms.

“Sure. Sure.” Rick started screw on the top of his flask backwards, “ Ehh, Willy, you better get him something to eat, his ass is a total lightweight, aaalso I’d like something to eat that isn’t pickles.”

Wilson’s brow raised as he looked up at him while gently settling the pickle jar in place, “Certainly, I think we have something, and please, don’t call me Willy.” He leapt up to his feet and skittered over to the fridge. He pulled open the door and stuck his head inside, breathing a sigh as the world outside went quiet. “Is that why they have eggs at bars?” He thought. “Does food really help negate the effects of alcohol? This might be interesting to see though I’m not fond of the idea of inebriating drinks at all. Perhaps I should document this.” He pushed aside a mountain of jerky and unearthed a plate of fresh honey nuggets. “Though I should be more discreet this time.” He took the plate and re-emerged. He turned back to the table to find it completely bare. He put the plate down and helped himself to a nugget,” Maxwell?! Hello?! Where’d you go?!” morsels of nugget fell from his mouth. “That’s not good.” He muffled as he shoved another nugget into his mouth. The bushes nearby were as still as the woods behind him. He put a hand to his chin and examined the gnarly grassy ground. Nothing. “Darn.”  He went back to the table and started to pace about it, stepping further away from it with each pass of his starting point. He stopped himself and pondered a bit more. “SILLY BILLY WILLY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!”  A small groan rang out nearby. Wilson scampered towards the source of the sound and came upon Rick, flat on his back with his eyes closed and not moving. “Yikes.” He hissed as he stepped over to him and checked to see if he was breathing. He plugged his nose as the acrid stench of alcohol and who knows what else burned his nostrils. He was breathing all right, but after a few taps and not so gentle shakes he was still out cold. Wilson struggled to push Rick over onto his side, once he succeeded drool immediately flowed out of his yellow maw onto the grass. Wilson grimaced, got to his feet and began to explore the immediate area.

  1. Rick groaned again, coughed and began to stir. Wilson ran back over to him and glowered down at him, “What’d you do to Maxwell?”



“What’re you – cough- talking about? Uggh. And since when do you say fuck?” He sat upright and held his head.

Wilson grabbed him by the collar,“ Rick! The only thing that could’ve happened to him is you!”  

“Wilson! What are you blind?!” Rick grabbed his hands and pulled them away. He went silent as his eyes went wide as he stared at his own hands. “ AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHH”

Wilson ripped his hands away, “WHAT WHAT WHAT?!”

Rick looked over his arms and put his hands to his face. “Ohhhgh, this! “ he started to grumble and mumble incoherent, undoubtedly unpleasant things. “Pally,”

Wilson looked him in the eye as he clenched his hands close to his chest.

 “Something terrible has happened. I-I think Rick has me, and I I’m left with this.”

Wilson stared in silence as a very deep frown slowly crept across his face.

“Uuugh, God I reek!” He rubbed his hands down his face, “ Wilson, honey, please say something please. I.. I’m literally out of my element here.“

“I’m not convinced Rick!”

“WHAT!?” He howled.

“I mean, you er- Rick could have just taken all of Maxwell’s memories and convincingly put together his speech patterns in a way to convince me that you’re him and then use that to get close to me to steal my memories and then leave this place leaving behind the inevitably unusable comatose bodies we will have after the memory extraction process.”

“Ahah,” Rick smiled, “I love the way you think.  However, since my body is nowhere to be found I think it’s safe to assume Rick is running around doing god knows what with it. Especially since he would absolutely not let his consciousness fall into oblivion and I assure you he is not here.” Rick pointed at his own temple.

“Hmm, you could have obliterated the body.”

“Then where is my ghost? I certainly would have sought you out.” Rick put a hand behind his back.

“Perhaps he found a way to truly end the misery.”

Rick frowned at him.”Do you really find it always so miserable? Have a rubbed off on you so to dull your impassioned advances towards a challenge?” Ricks brow went up between his eyes and his voice went low, “What of the time we spent together?”

Wilson’s heart sank as he pondered for a moment, “All right you’ve convinced me. And no I don’t. I was speaking on Maxwell’s-er your behalf.” He turned a bit pink as he paused, “I certainly hope you know how I feel about that last one!” A tight cautious smile formed on his lips. Maxwell returned a weak worried grin. Wilson continued, “I guess he gave you more than just a jar of pickles!” Maxwell’s smile cracked as he laughed.“Aheh, How did he do it?” Wilson chirped.

“I don’t know, as soon as his liquor touched my lips I found myself unconscious. As to why, that’s a mystery too, but I can tell you he’s more inebriated than I have ever seen him.”

“He seemed pretty coherent to me.”

“He’s a high functioning alcoholic.”

Out of the wilderness a bewildering cry,“ FUCKING CHRIST WILSON! GET YOUR STUPID MOTHER FUCKING IDIOT GIBFACE PAL OUT OF MY PLACE!”

They stared at each other, Maxwell rubbed his chin. “Gibface?”

Willow burst through the bushes and stormed up to Wilson, “You heard me yeah?!”

“Yes!” he stammered, ”But you see, that isn’t Maxwell! He is!” he pointed to Maxwell Rick.

“Good day Willow.”

Willow narrowed her eyes at him, “I knew that guy was acting like too big of a rambunctious asshole to be you.”

“Why thank you. It took dear Wilson here a bit of convincing.”

“Figures.” Willow shrugged.

“What?!” Wilson put his hands on his hips.

“You think too much and too logically about a lot of the nonsense that goes on here. And especially since you spend all too much time with this fellow I’d think you’d be able to pick him out of a haystack.”

Wilson’s mouth drooped into a deep frown before he crossed his arms and looked away, ”I was being cautious!”

“With good reason. The man currently inhabiting my body is a very dangerous fellow.” Maxwell bounced on his feet.

“You’re telling me! He ripped through all of my things mumbling and stumbling about and I’m thinking this fucker’s been holding out on firewater and this is how I find out? But then yeah, he called you, Maxwell, a ‘stony bitch goblin’ so yeah,  I thought that was weird even for you.”

“Hmph.” Maxwell suppressed a smile.

“Is there some bad blood between you two?” Willow raised a brow at him.

“No. Well, none that I’m aware of. Did he take anything? And where did he head?”

“Gold I think, oh and Wes’ balloons.” She motioned behind her.

Wes sat alone on the ground some distance behind her with a forlorn brow and tear swept cheeks.  

“Oh! I’m so sorry Wes! I didn’t see you there. We’ll get your stuff back!” Wilson waved at him.

Maxwell grumbled.

“He went south from my place, so uh, good luck or whatever. And I want that gold back!” She flung a threatening finger at them.

Together they zipped past Willow’s heading south. “We, really should try to get him back before nightfall right?” Wilson looked up at him.

“He’s well acquainted with danger and these dangers in particular. I don’t think we need to worry about that. Did you know he once turned himself into a pickle?”

“What?! Well maybe that’s how you upset him! Asking for pickles like that!”

“He doesn’t know that I know that.” Maxwell gave him a slight smile.

“Hmm, well it still could be a possibility if he’s as unhinged as you say.”

“I guarantee it isn’t.”

On the horizon the outline of a massive man appeared. “Big head man! How could you be so cruel to old man’s heart?!” He yelled as he ran up to them. Maxwell scrunched up his mouth into a frown as Wilson raised a brow at Wolfgang. He stopped before them and motioned to Maxwell, “Is this- this the man who you do the breaking with?! He was friend!  Such good friend to you and you breaks him!”

Wilson looked up at Maxwell,” Uhm, were you- two…?” he gently put his fingers together.

“Absolutely not!” he barked.

“You can tell me if you were- you know before we met!”

Maxwell turned very pink ,“You know very well just how –averse- I am to the entirety of such things!”

“Uhhh Hello? Who dis?” Wolfgang pointed at the gangly blue haired man. “This breaker?”

“No, hah, no. Er. This is Maxwell but uhh in another person’s body.” Wilson smiled weakly.

Wolfgang’s mouth curled up as his eyes went blank.

“Ugghh.” Maxwell put a hand to his forehead.

“OH! Like werewolf but with another man!” Wolfgang grinned and pointed his finger triumphantly up in the air.

They both stared at him and said,  “Erm…Yeah.”

“So werewolf heart broken, old frail heart man fine?”

“Hmm… Yes?” Wilson gave him a weak shrug. He turned back to Maxwell, “Well if you weren’t a…thing. Then what the heck is he talking about?”

“How would I know?! Wolfgang, what else did he say?” Maxwell put his fists on his hips and glowered at him.

“Ohhh, noo that’s private!” Wolfgang waved both his hands and shook his head.

“If it’s private why did you run up to us blathering about it at all!?”

“Oogh.” He put his hands up to his mustache. “My mistake. Ask him self maybe?!”

 “You know where he is!? Where?!” Maxwell grabbed him by the shoulders.

“Asleep in my home! Please come!” He slipped out of his grip with ease and started off towards a field buzzing with bees and wildflowers, his small encampment was settled at the base of a monstrously huge beehive.

“Oh my science, why?” Wilson whispered.

“You know damn well why, the man’s an idiot.” Maxwell mumbled back.

Sure enough on the rough floorboards of Wolfgang’s pitiful base lie Rick in a pool of vomit.

 “Ooogh, oh, oh, no. All over-! In my hair too.” Maxwell held a hand up to his mouth. “I’d kick him but that’d just get more on me!”

“It’s okay, we’ll get you nice and cleaned up.” Wilson bent down next to Rick and poked his face.

“I can’t even recall the last time I puked! It’s going all out the window now!” Maxwell ran off behind a tree, hideous heaving sounds followed suit.

Wilson frowned and covered his mouth as his brow went high. “Oogh, gross.”

“Haha! He remind me of old neighbor Bort!” Wolfgang chuckled then went somber, “drink killed him soon enough.”

Wilson raised a brow at him. Maxwell re-appeared clutching his gut. “That’s… marginally better.”

“Is it possible he got more drunk?”  Wilson groaned as he lifted up Rick’s legs.

“He claims to have the hardest working liver in the universe, and seeing as now I am in possession of said liver, yes.” Maxwell bent down to lift Rick up when suddenly  Rick sputtered and puked out a colorful array of pulsating balloons.

“Ew!” Wilson dropped his feet and hopped backwards.

Wolfgang jumped, “Oogh! Balloons is not food! Silly old man!”

Maxwell grimaced as he pressed his foot down on one of the balloons. Nightmarefuel burst out of it.

“Jesus. I hope that was all of it! Idiot! I would have just given it to you!” Rick still laid between them unconscious.  He thought for a moment then slapped a hand to his face. “My colon better be balloon free!” He shook Rick back and forth to no avail, shaking a dribble of vomit down his handsome chin.

Wilson slid his mouth sideways and gave him a wide eyed expression, “Why- why would they be there?”

“To smuggle it home.”

Wilson returned a face that looked like it was trying to eat air. Maxwell started to drag Rick over to a nearby pond, careful to avoid dragging him through his own muck. Wilson shook his head and sprinted over to help him.

Wolfgang waved, “Okay! Goodbye friends!”

“Have any of that soap of yours?” Maxwell grunted.

“Nope sorry.”

“Uggh water will have to do, though I really hate to do this at all.” They plopped Rick down close to the water’s edge, an arm of his stretched out into the water. Maxwell glared down at Rick as a frog leapt up behind him and gave his bottom a smack with it’s tongue.

“Oof!” He lurched forward stumbling onto Rick. “Aaagh oh! No! Eugh!” he scrambled to get away from the puke covered limp man, pushing him off into the waters in the process. “Oh! Shit!” Rick floated silently away from the shoreline.

Wilson uttered a nervous laugh, “Look at that! At least you float!”

“I guess that means I’m a witch.” he grumbled as he stretched out far over the pond desperately trying to grasp onto Rick. “Grr, would you please help me!?”

“Oh! Sorry, sure!”  He grabbed his hand with both of his and leveraged himself to lower Maxwell farther across the pond.  The dark waters below him began to bubble and gurgle.  

“Oh god! Pull me up! Pull me up! Pull me up!”

“Oof!” They tumbled backwards. Sloooorp, the pond burped and Rick was gone.” AhhhH!” Wilson put his hands to his head and started to make a mad dash back to the quivering waters. Maxwell grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“No! He’s gone. It’s gone. I’m gone.”

“But-“

“ Nothing can be done.” Maxwell slumped down in the grass still holding on to Wilson. Wilson relented and sat down next to him. His grip on him tightened as he buried his face into his other hand.”Lousy..grmph..mother…fucking.” He grumbled on.

Wilson’s brow went high as his heart sank as deep as the fingers buried into his arm. He gently placed his hand on top of his. Maxwell’s grip relaxed and then eventually released as he murmured, “Sorry pal.” Maxwell buried his head into his hands. “I wassss sooo beautiful.” He slurred into his hands.

Wilson bounced his head up, “Trouble coordinating limbs, loose tongue, vomiting,  slurred speech…” He thought. “Yikes! He’s drunk!” His eyes went wide as Maxwell started to sob.

“What happened to having the best liver!?” Wilson yelped.

“Ohhhhh, I see it now. Yess I maaaay or may not have givin’ up pal. Liquor take me! Soothe mine pain. Oh good I thought I was loosssing it all, and I did. In that dirty water hole over there.” He croaked and splayed down on the grass. “Sssstay outta dirty holes.”

“When did you drink!? What did you drink!?”

“Pally I wouldn’ta drunk again after that firrrst one.” He closed his eyes.

“Well drat! Will food really help!?”

“Pffftthphpt that’s a mypthhht.”

Wilson furrowed his brow, “How could he degrade so suddenly? Perhaps he has truly lost it.” he thought as he watched Maxwell drift off to sleep. With a bit of spare web he fashioned a modest top hat and placed it on Maxwell’s sleeping face. He sat with him and kept away any errant spiders until he woke up.

“Ugh, I dreamt a spider sat on my face and I see now that I wasn’t wrong.” Maxwell groaned as he sat upright, moving the top hat to his head. He smiled at Wilson, “You are really too sweet to me.”

Wilson grinned back,” Still a bit tipsy perhaps?”

“A bit, but you know I mean that.” Maxwell reached out a hand towards him, stared at his bare strange hand and recoiled it. He grumbled and frowned at his hands.

Wilson’s expression fell and he sat right next to him. Maxwell turned to him with a weak smile.

A bright green flashed behind them as a portal opened up, splashing water and blood. They both leapt to their feet as Rick jumped out of it, sopping wet, bandaged with what looked like kelp and carrying what looked like a white blade.  “Jesus Christ! What the hell were you idiots trying to do?! Kill me?” he brandished the large sharpened bone at them.

“It was an accident!” Wilson wailed as he flung his arms up.

Maxwell stepped in front of Wilson, “Your knackered ass fell into the pond! I’d do anything to not go on in life with this face and for that I need you alive!”He pointed to himself. --??

“What –uurrrp- was that?!” He glared back.

“Don’t belch with my mouth!” Maxwell barked.

“Ohoh I can do worse than that! How about this!” Rick pulled down his pants revealing cream coloured long johns extending past his knees, “Oh you fucking victorians and your excessive underwear!” He started to fumble with the buttons on his waistline. Wilson turned bright red as Maxwell roared and flew at him.

“You bastard!” he hoisted his favourite purple trousers back up and tackled Rick to the ground.

“Agh! You son of a bitch! Fuck! Uuugh! Are you fucking made of glass?! That fucking HURT!”  Rick writhed underneath him.

Maxwell leapt away from him, “Oh drat! I’m not hurt am I?!”

“Too late for that mother fucker!” Rick punched him across the jaw.

Willow popped out of the nearby foliage, ”Oooh! A fight! Go GO!” She turned her ear to Wilson, “Who is fighting Maxwell?”

“Rick.”

“KICK HIS ASS RICK!” She pumped her fist in the air.

“Oh would you stop!”

The two were now on the ground grasping at each others throats.  Wilson ran in and grabbed Maxwell’s white lab coat and started to pull. “Come on! Quit it-out!”

Rick kicked Maxwell off sending both of them toppling backwards. In the tumble a sharp jab of an elbow went directly into Wilson’s nose.

“Aaaaoooww!”

“Shit! I’m so sorry! Oh no, drat, son of a bitch, goddamnit.” Maxwell scrambled to his feet and sat Wilson upright. Blood started to flow out of his nostrils, he clamped a hand to his nose and groaned,

“Nnng ouch.” His eyes began to water.”I- I-I don’t think what hit me was even bone!”

Maxwell grasped his own arm,” Knowing him it probably wasn’t. I’m so sorry, I was a blithering idiot to tackle him like that in the first place.”

Wilson gave him a bloody grin, “He was asking for it stripping like that! I doubt you would have tolerated any more than that!”

He weakly smiled back.

“Ugh! Forget him and go back to fighting!” Willow jumped up and down.

“There’s no point in it!” Maxwell growled at her.

Rick struggled to get up and catch his breath. “Fine. Fine sheesh.” He paused to heave, “You gotta- you gotta lighten up Max.”

Maxwell got to his feet and stormed up to Rick,“ You come here, steal my body, and poison it with who knows what and expect me to take it lightly!?”

“Hoo-urp- nestly no. That’s why it’s fun. But since your bae ended up getting hurt I’ll stop, fix everything and maybe we can finish that chat, before I made it –uurrp- fun.” He pulled out his portal gun fired it upright, “I’ll be back in a bit bitches.” He turned around gave them two middle fingers up and stepped backwards through the portal which quickly closed up behind him.

Willow started cackling like mad. “Hooooly shit!” She beamed,” “Why can’t you be like that Maxwell?!”

Maxwell rubbed his face and grumbled,” I’ve never seen anything so humiliating in my life.”

“What does bae even mean?” Wilson groaned as he held his bloody nose.

“I have no idea.” Maxwell muttered.

“Boring As Easter. Bossy Art Yard. Or! Maybe Beautiful Ass Eater?”

“Willow!”

Maxwell snorted so hard he started choking.

Back in Rick’s garage the gangly, roughed up, fancy man usually known as Maxwell but for the time being is Rick stumbled out of the wall knocking over a rickety shelf. After a moment the door to the house flung open, an angry faced little Morty, began to shout “Rick! Why-!” he quickly went silent and put his head back in the door.

“Oh hey Morty. Just need to taaa-ke care of a few things here.” Rick stumbled up to his feet.

“Rrrrr-rick?”

“That’s right Morty.” Rick turned to the cupboards pulled out a bottle of whiskey and took a slug. 

“Ooooh, what?! You didn’t kill him did you!? He seemed pretty nice.”

Rick belched, ”He-hehe- was polite! Not ‘Nice’. There’s a huu-urp-uuuge difference. And no he’s fine, just gotta fix up the rental before I return it, -urp- cause it’s the ‘polite’ thing to do.”

“Ugh.” Morty sighed.

Rick pulled open a drawer and dug through a mess of pill capsules before taking a handful and shoving them into his mouth.

“Was this your whole reason for going over there? I’m-I’m not really seeing the point to this.”

Rick Maxwell gulped another load of whisky and slammed the bottle down on his workbench.

“I’m the world’s sexiest man now Morty! I’m gonna- I gotta –uurp- take a bunch of pictures Morty! I’m gonna take them and shop myself and there and shove them in that bitch’s face!”

“Ohh my gawwwd Rick! Get over her already!”

“Fuck you Morty. And andn annnd before I do that I’m gonna –“

“Oh noo.” Morty groaned as he covered his ears. Rick barked on, pointing at nothing, gesturing wildly with his hands, pulling down on one eye biting his lip and then ending his ramble with a series of very contorted faces. Morty looked up at him mortified, as a few of his words got through, “Are arre are you faking his accent on purpose!?”

“It gives me a thrill you couldn’t even begin to imagine Morty!” he said with a wide devious smile and drool escaping his fine lip.

Morty groaned and held his head as Rick zipped past him into the house.

In but a couple of minutes of Wilson and Maxwell’s time, Rick returned looking refreshed and clean. Holding a coat rack draped in a white cloth bag.

“I got your suit dry cleaned and for luck it –urrrp- didn’t disintegrate.”

“And what if it did?! That’s nice of you, but still!”

“I- I- made a copy .“ Rick lifted up the coat hanger, “ And and and once this one got cleaned I cleaned it too. Ok? I’m sorry.” Rick gestured towards his attire.“I got a little too emotional and little too drunk and you guys took the brunt of it.”

 Maxwell scowled at him, “Just right everything and get out of here.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He pulled out a small device and two metal caps.

Rick held up a hand to Wilson, “I’m gonna- gonna need you stand back at least 20 feet. This shit is a bit unstable, and I- I –urp- been too lazy to fix it.”

“Ugh!” Maxwell glared at him as he put a colander outfitted with switches and lights onto his cap.

“Aw, I want to see this!” Wilson smiled up at him.

“Well you either leave and continue to live or –or or- you stay and have your brain’s synapses wiped out and that head of yours in a million pieces.”

Wilson’s enthusiasm vanished and his mouth turned into an open mouth puckered frown. He drew a quick breath and bolted out of sight.

“Heh, I can see why you like him.” Rick smiled as he put on his silly helmet.

“Oh shut up and hurry up with this!”

Rick sighed, “Fffiine.” He whipped out a small tranquilizer gun and shot it at Maxwell’s chest.

“Urk!” Maxwell uttered before he crumpled to the floor.

Rick laid him up against a chest and started riffling around in the pockets of his lab coat. “Ow! What the fuck!? Are these- these rocks?! You filled my coat up with rocks? You jackass. I hope you like cut fingers you dumb bitch.” He scowled at his own peaceful face for a moment then grunted to himself as he emptied his pockets of the shards of flint and replaced them with his own belongings. He jabbed Maxwell in the neck with a small pen like device before flipping the switch on his helmet. He fell over like a falling drape and within a few moments Rick’s body began to stir.

“Ugggh.” He groaned as he sat himself upright.

“Mnngh.” Maxwell mumbled into the dirt.

Rick got up,“ Feeling better there buddy?” he asked as he brushed off his coat.

 “I’m awfully sore!” Maxwell got to his feet while clutching his ribs.

“ Oh, uhh, that’s normal it- it- it’ll get better I promise.”

“Oof.  I certainly hope so.” He grumbled as he crumbled up against the nearby chest.

“Yeesh.”

“Oh right. This is convenient for you!” Maxwell lifted the lid of the chest next to him and pulled out gobs and gobs of nightmare fuel and threw them at his feet. “I certainly hope you took care of whatever damage that did to me!

“Uhh, yeah. And I have enough, thanks.”

“Ooogh! They were in there weren’t they!” He pointed to his back.

Rick said nothing and crossed his arms.

“You threw up the ones you swallowed you know!”

“I had more.”

“Well, now you have plenty, and can have plenty more if it if you ever wish.” Maxwell cocked his head at him.

“Alright fine. Thanks.” Rick scooped up the quivering blob and stashed it away.

Maxwell settled up against the chest,” Dirty bastard. It wouldn’t have killed you to just ask!”

Rick’s mouth wrapped up in a small frown. “Yeah, ok. See ya ‘pal’!”

“Goodbye Rick.” Maxwell sighed as he closed his eyes.

Rick walked off in the direction Wilson ran away. Approximately fifty feet away he found him plucking away at berries on a bush.

“Hey.. uhh Wilson. Max is gonna be fine, he’s  just uhh a little sore and tired back at your guys’ place.” Wilson raised a brow at him. “Look I’m sorry about all the stupid shit I put you through today and I know how Maxwell eeeehhh is. So I- I want you to have this.” He pulled out a photograph from his coat and handed it to him. Wilson choked and started to turn pink. In an elegantly adorned red bedroom lay Maxwell on his stomach, naked, his hands holding his head up with a seductive grin on his face. 

“How! How did you get this?!” his voice a high squeaky whisper.

“Full disclosure, that’s me. I had a little fun with myself –heh- and I wanted you to enjoy it.”

“I can’t take this!” he hissed at the picture.

“Well.. I – I could go give it to that pyromaniac lady. I’m sure she’d enjoy it.” 

“Oh no, no.” Wilson shook his head, not taking his eyes off it.

“Weeelp,” Rick stretched and opened up a portal nearby, “Have fun with that buddy, see you later maybe, or whatever.” He gave a half assed wave as he stepped through the portal which closed up behind him.

Wilson stood alone in silence staring at the brazen photograph. “Oh chemicals! I can’t keep this away from him! It’s not right to be exposed like that!” he bit his lip, put it away and dashed towards home. At the camp Maxwell lie up against a chest looking tired and miserable. “Oof you look rough!”

“They were in my colon.”

“What? Oh! NO!” Wilson pulled on his own face.

“That son of a bitch.”

Wilson frowned at him and took a seat next to him.

Maxwell opened an eye at him, “He says I’ll be fine and I trust him, but… ouch.”He rest his head back down against the wood chest.

“Umm.” Wilson paused as he fumbled with his hands. “I think you should see this. Rick gave it to me and erm.” He pulled out a the photograph and quickly slipped it into his hands.

Maxwell gasped as his own pale ass stared up at him from the glossy paper.

“Rick took it. I guess when he left to fix your body up.”

“Well, if that’s true it’s certainly more tasteful then I would have imagined.” He grumbled.

Wilson went quiet for moment then piped, ” I really like it.”

Maxwell looked at him and turned a bit red. Wilson avoided his gaze as he blushed but caught his eye and gave him a worried smile. Maxwell’s deep frown grew into a pained grin. “That’s not even me!” he laughed.

“True. It’s a vulnerable and sultry rendering of you.  It really is quite elegant.”

“Oh fine. Keep it and make sure it stays with you and only you!” Maxwell turned the photograph over and handed it back to him.

 Wilson’s smile went bright,“ Oh I will! Until I can figure out how to project it on the moon.”  



End file.
